Allura Counselling & Sex Therapy Centre - Vancouver

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Sexual Healing: Experiencing Intimacy After Trauma

Trauma leaves you feeling confused and hurt. You forget what normal is. Sometimes you hold onto it by hiding it in the back of your mind. What you went through doesn’t disappear overnight. And the effects of that trauma can stick with you for as long as it takes you to heal. 

Don’t you owe it to yourself to feel at peace in your own body, in your own skin?

When we talk about sexual healing and experiencing intimacy after trauma, we may think sexual abuse is the culprit for our sex problems. But the truth is, trauma is a spectrum. And sexual abuse is only one type of trauma people experience. It’s only one type of trauma that has the potential to disrupt our sex lives. 

When we experience trauma, we develop a range of coping mechanisms to handle what has happened to us, often pulling away or isolating as a way to protect ourselves.

No matter the type of trauma that's keeping you from experiencing intimacy, sexual healing is possible for everyone. 

Intimacy Can Be Affected by Many Types of Trauma

While the prevalence of sexual abuse in both Canada and the US is fairly high, there are other ways a person can experience trauma. By definition, trauma is any experience that affects someone physically or emotionally. When trauma affects our sexuality, that’s when it’s time to think about sexual healing.

Aside from sexual abuse, your body may experience any of these events as a trauma, even if you didn’t, because of the intensity and pain of the situation.

  • Pregnancy

  • Natural disaster

  • Domestic violence

  • Physical injury

The frequency and way in which a person experiences trauma doesn’t follow any hard and fast rule. Everyone goes through life differently. Everyone goes through trauma differently. Everyone heals from trauma at their own pace.

If you’re interested in learning more about sex therapy and how sexual healing can improve your sex life, our team of registered clinical counsellors and expert therapists is one phone call or email away. When you get to know yourself, the trauma, and how it affects your life, you’re more capable of allowing yourself to heal.

Understand How Triggers Affect Intimacy

After going through trauma, you may notice certain sounds, smells, textures, or gestures that make you feel slightly off when you engage in sex and intimacy. If this happens to you, you may be experiencing a trigger — puzzle pieces that bring you back to how you felt during the trauma. 

You may not realize you have triggers if you’ve pushed the memory of the trauma to the back of your mind or if you believe you’ve moved on. Sometimes our bodies have other plans for us. Experiencing a trigger is your brain trying to get your attention and keep you safe. Putting the pieces of the puzzle together may be overwhelming at times until you can recognize them and work on them. 

Your partner may not understand your reaction when you’re triggered. That’s okay. Instead of letting triggers control how you experience intimacy, you can work on including your partner in your reaction. Talking with them about what’s happening and why it’s happening can take the mystery and embarrassment out of the reaction.

Ways to Be Intimate Without Being Physical

Relearning touch is such a monumental part of sexual healing. Regardless of the pace of your healing journey, regaining control of touch and the rest of your senses is a valuable step.

Being physical may be out of the question right now. Still, there are ways to be intimate without being physical. Intimacy is about connectedness with another person. How close you feel to them. The most ordinary activities in a day can present themselves as opportunities for closeness. Expanding your perception of what intimacy is and discovering new ways to express your affection can seem daunting.

But it’s possible and can even be fun for you and your partner.

Below are five ways you can be intimate without being physical. You can get creative and personalize opportunities for intimacy based on your relationship.

  1. Plan a date night

  2. Cook a nice meal with/for your partner

  3. Have a conversation without distractions

  4. Do an activity your partner loves to do

  5. Finish a household chore you know your partner usually does

Being intimate doesn’t need to be physical, not always. Communicate with your partner about what being intimate means to them. Share activities, words, or gestures that make you feel connected to them with each other. Then use that insight to create opportunities for intimacy. You can include physical acts of intimacy as you feel comfortable and ready.

It’s important to communicate, be kind, and be patient with each other. 

Go slow and be compassionate with yourself. We’re here to guide you through your sexual healing journey in every way we can. Answer a few questions on our Match Me Now form to set up a 15-minute consultation with one of our expert counsellors that best matches your personality, your needs, and your availability. 

 Experiencing intimacy after trauma doesn’t happen in a week but it can happen. However your journey unfolds, we’re here to help.

Sources

  1. https://www.apa.org/topics/recovering-disasters

  2. https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_sofindings.pdf

  3. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2323517/

  4. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207203/

  5. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5223347/

  6. https://ssaic.ca/learning-resources/triggers-what-are-they/