Practicing Self-Compassion During Heartbreak
The following is an excerpt from Erin Davidson’s upcoming book Break Through The Breakup coming out on June 8, 2021. Or, if you’re an Allura client, ask your counsellor to arrange a book pickup from the office for $25.
Practicing Self-Compassion During Heartbreak
Self-compassion is a practice that I’ve seen transform both my therapy clients, and myself, time and time again.
But what exactly is self-compassion? In recent years, Dr. Kristin Neff, the leading researcher of self-compassion, has studied the centuries old Buddhist practice. At its core, self-compassion is about responding to difficult experiences and uncomfortable emotions with kindness. There are three major components to self-compassion: mindfulness, embracing common humanity, and self-kindness.
Mindfulness involves acknowledging our pain without denying it or over-identifying with it. This can be practiced through meditation as well as positive self-talk. I find it helpful to use the phrase “One part of me is saying …” when struggling to sit with, or move through, painful thoughts or feelings. For example, if you feel a critical thought, such as “I am unlovable,” you can restate it as, “One part of me is saying that I am unlovable.” This small shift allows you to see the feeling for the passing thought that it is, rather than as a label for who you are.
To embrace common humanity means to understand that your imperfections and challenges are a part of being human. It is an awareness that struggle is something that we all deal with, rather than something that happens to only “me.” It is practicing healthy self-esteem, where you see your inherent value as no better or no worse than others.
Unhealthy self-esteem, in contrast, is based on comparison: a sense of being better or worse than others. But even if you have healthy self-esteem, we will all slip up and have moments where we resort to favorable or unfavorable comparisons. With breakups, this can often look like directly comparing yourself to your ex’s new partner.
When you catch yourself slipping into comparison, use this opportunity to practice bolstering a healthier, more sustaining sense of self-esteem. Slow your breath down and imagine bringing you and whoever you are comparing yourself to up to the same level. If you’re in a shame spiral, this may feel like picking yourself back up from a slouched position and sitting upright. Or, if you’ve been criticizing someone else to feel better about yourself, you may imagine standing shoulder to shoulder with this person, rather than looking down upon them.
The final component of self-compassion is to actually speak to yourself with more compassion than criticism. This can be exceptionally difficult in the face of setbacks, or when facing parts of yourself that you don’t like, but this is where self-compassion matters the most. As we have practiced a few times in this book, imagine speaking to someone you care about, and talk to yourself in the same way. If you’re not sure how to begin, you can use this empathy template: “It’s understandable that I’m feeling (_____), because (_____).” For example, “It’s understandable that I’m feeling lonely because it is a big adjustment to being single after being in a relationship for so many years.”
Self-compassion can commonly be misunderstood as fragility, self-pity or indulgence. However, this could not be further from the truth. In reality, it requires courage, discipline, and resilience to be with your struggles without judgement. Self-compassion is also not selfish, because kindness is not a finite resource. It is quite the opposite: the kinder we are to ourselves, the more we are able to extend this kindness to others.
Remember….
When we criticize the parts of ourselves that we do not like, it’s like pouring gasoline on a fire. We cannot bully ourselves into being kinder to ourselves.
Perfection is fantasy, and the pursuit of it works the opposite way we want it to by disconnecting us from others. People can smell this type of inauthenticity a mile away.
Nothing needs to change to make you more worthy of love than you are right now. Not your bank account, not your workout routine, not your dating “game.” You are so damn loveable right this very moment.
Try This…
Say “Hello” to your critical voice. Whether or not you realize it, your inner critic is actually well-intentioned: it is worried and trying to protect you from pain. Rather than ignoring or judging this voice when it arises, see if you can speak to this part of you as gently as you would a frightened child. Say, “I know you are worried, but I’ve got this covered.”
When you are practicing self-compassionate statements, incorporate soothing touch. When you are engaging in self-empathy, place your palm on your chest or belly, or wrap your arms around your shoulders for a hug. Pause and notice the felt sense of supporting yourself in this way.
The next time you catch yourself being critical, try this as an experiment: entertain the question, “What if it doesn’t matter?” What if living that Kardashian life isn’t going to make you a single bit happier or more attractive? What if being exactly who you are is what matters?
Resources:
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/14/well/mind/for-valentines-day-try-being-nice-to-yourself.html
Written by Erin Davidson, MA, RCC