The Spontaneity Myth: How Sex Has Never Really Been That Spontaneous!
“We used to have sex all the time, we’d just each other’s bones the moment we got home from a date. Now, I’m lucky if we have sex once a week.”
This might be one of the most common things couples say to me when they come in to see me. The number one reason couples go to sex therapy is around “mismatched desire/sex drives”….meaning? we don’t want sex the same amount. This almost never seems to be an issue at the start, when things are often hot and heavy, there’s lots of sex, passion, excitement. Yet, somehow, within the first year or so, that dwindles away and then the issue of mismatched drives comes up. They discuss things like scheduling sex or making more time to connect, and then they recoil at the idea and say, "but I want it to be spontaneous! it used to be”.
I want to challenge this notion that sex used to be spontaneous at the start of a relationship. First off, why do I want to challenge this? Because I believe it sets couples up for failure when in long-term relationships. Nothing feels like it really matches what they used to have. They see it in magazines, on TV and in movies, and from society - sex should be easy and you should want to rip each others clothes off, right? wrong. The spontaneity myth is perpetuated time and time again in society and leaves couples feeling broken and questioning their relationship. It might even be making you feel that you and your partner aren’t sexually compatible, which creates a new cycle of disengagement and tension around sex.
I want you to think back to when you first started dating, when sex was “spontaneous”. You would plan a date with your partner (or potential partner at that time!), you’d think about them for days, then all day long on the day of the date, you would spend time texting and flirting, you would go home and shower, get ready, and primp for your date. Then you would spend the entire date “steeping” in this excitement of the novelty and unknown of this person and be fully focused on connecting and flirting. I want you to see how you actually started getting yourself going from the moment you planned that date - how much time, effort, and energy you put into that one night. That? is not spontaneity - that is a beautifully planned and purposely-fueled response that did not come out of nowhere, you primed yourself up for days and/or hours for it. Once relationships become less novel, usually half of those things, if not most, fall off - you already know a lot about your partner, you might make those plans for dinner or what not a few hours before but then your mind gets side tracked doing other things, you likely aren’t flirting over text about your date and since you either are already spending a lot of time together, you don’t fully become present during the date either. That is the spontaneity myth.
So here are 3 tips to try and bring some “spontaneity” back into your life:
Flirt, flirt, and flirt some more: remember those cute texts or messages you used to send your partner about how excited you were to see them? Yeah, that was already giving your body something to respond to before the date even began!
Make date night a non-negotiable: you get to decide the frequency; once a week, twice a week, once a month. You go on a true date. You channel that energy you used to put into yourself and your relationship at the start and see what happens. Fantasize about the date and your partner. But most importantly, make it something you prioritize so you are saying “you and this relationship are important to me”.
Steep in the passion: In a whole other post or workshop, I will talk about desire types. However, what generally happens when we have a couple with mismatched drives? One usually needs some time to “steep”, so to speak. Think of it like tea: the more you steep it, the stronger it gets. So does desire for some people. From the start of the day, start steeping - leave notes, send messages, think/fantasize about your partner, get dolled up, whatever you do that gets you steeping!
Want more support? Contact us today for a free 15-minute phone consultation to see how one of our counsellors in Vancouver, BC can help you and your partner(s) reconnect and (re)create a wonderful sex life!