Why Don't I Want Sex Anymore? Understanding Low Desire and What Can Help
Allura Sex Therapy Centre | Sex therapy in downtown Vancouver and online across British Columbia
Developed and Reviewed by Diana Sadat, RCC, CST, CST-S
The short answer: Low sexual desire, sometimes called low libido, is when your interest in sex is lower than it used to be or lower than you'd like it to be. It's extremely common, and it's rarely a sign that you're broken or that your relationship is failing. Desire is shaped by your body, your mind, your relationships, and your circumstances, so low desire usually has more than one cause. The good news is that those causes can be understood and worked with, and many people find their desire returns once the things weighing on it are addressed.
You used to want sex. Or at least, you think you did. Now it feels like something on a to-do list, somewhere between laundry and returning that email. You might feel relieved when your partner falls asleep first, and then guilty about feeling relieved. You might wonder if something is wrong with your hormones, your relationship, or you.
Or maybe you've never felt much desire at all, and you're starting to wonder whether that's something to worry about, or simply who you are.
Wherever you're starting from, it makes sense to have questions. Low desire is one of the most common reasons people reach out to sex therapists, and it's one of the areas where therapy can make a real difference.
What is low sexual desire?
Low sexual desire means a reduced interest in sex, sexual thoughts, or sexual activity. For some people it's a gradual fade; for others it drops off suddenly after a life change. It can be situational (low desire with a partner but not alone, for example) or more general.
Low desire on its own isn't a problem that needs fixing. It becomes a concern when it causes you distress, when it's straining your relationship, or when it feels like a change you didn't choose. In clinical settings, persistent low desire that causes significant distress may be diagnosed as Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder or Male Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, but most people who come to therapy for low desire are simply looking to understand what's happening and feel more like themselves again.
Is low libido normal?
Yes. Desire naturally rises and falls across a lifetime, and almost everyone goes through periods where sex is the last thing on their mind. Low desire is especially common during times of stress, after having a baby, during perimenopause and menopause, during illness or recovery, and in long-term relationships where routine has settled in.
What's often harder than the low desire itself is the story people tell about it: that they should want sex more, that something is wrong with them, or that their relationship is in trouble. Those stories tend to add pressure, and pressure is one of the most reliable ways to make desire drop even further.
What causes low desire?
Low desire is rarely about just one thing. Most of the time, it's a combination of factors that build on each other.
Physical and medical factors. Hormonal changes (postpartum, perimenopause, menopause, or low testosterone), thyroid conditions, chronic pain, fatigue, and many medications can lower desire. Antidepressants, especially SSRIs, are a well-known example, as are some hormonal contraceptives and blood pressure medications. If your desire changed suddenly or alongside other physical symptoms, it's worth talking with your doctor.
Mental health. Depression, anxiety, burnout, and trauma all affect desire. When your nervous system is in survival mode, sex simply isn't a priority, and that's your body doing exactly what it's designed to do.
Relationship factors. Unresolved conflict, resentment, feeling unseen, or a pattern where one partner always initiates and the other always declines can quietly drain desire over time. If this sounds familiar, our post on [desire discrepancy and mismatched libido] goes deeper into how couples get stuck and how to get unstuck.
Life circumstances. Young children, caregiving for aging parents, demanding jobs, financial stress, and lack of sleep leave very little room for erotic energy. Many people with low desire aren't missing a sex drive; they're missing the space for one.
The sex itself. This one gets overlooked. If sex has become routine, rushed, painful, or focused on someone else's pleasure, it makes sense that you wouldn't look forward to it. Low desire for unsatisfying sex isn't a dysfunction. It's information.
Shame and early messages. What you learned about sex growing up, whether from family, religion, culture, or past experiences, can shape how safe and permissible desire feels, sometimes in ways that only become clear in adulthood.
Spontaneous vs. responsive desire
Many people believe that "real" desire means suddenly wanting sex out of nowhere. That's called spontaneous desire, and it's only one way desire shows up.
Another very common pattern is responsive desire, where interest builds after closeness, touch, or arousal begins. People with mostly responsive desire often think they have low libido, when really their desire just needs a different starting point. Understanding this can be a huge relief, and it often changes how people approach intimacy entirely.
Is low desire the same as asexuality?
No. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, describing people who experience little or no sexual attraction to others. It isn't a problem to be treated, and many asexual people are content and fulfilled, with or without sexual relationships.
Low desire, on the other hand, usually describes a change from how someone used to feel, or a gap between how much desire they have and how much they'd like to have. Some people explore this question in therapy, and a good sex therapist will help you figure out what fits for you without pushing you toward any particular answer.
What actually helps with low desire
There's no single fix, but these are good places to start:
Take the pressure off. Desire rarely grows under pressure. Giving yourself permission to not want sex right now can, paradoxically, make room for curiosity to return.
Get curious about what's weighing on you. Instead of asking "why don't I want sex?", try asking "what's getting in the way?" Stress, exhaustion, resentment, and pain are all common answers.
Look at the quality of sex, not just the quantity. Ask yourself honestly whether the sex you're having is sex you'd want. If not, that's worth exploring before trying to want more of it.
Reconnect with your own body. Pleasure that isn't tied to a partner or performance, like movement, touch, rest, or solo sexual exploration, can help rebuild a sense of desire that belongs to you.
Talk to your doctor. Especially if your desire changed suddenly, if you've started a new medication, or if sex is painful. Medical and therapeutic support often work best together.
When should you see a sex therapist?
Consider reaching out if low desire is causing you distress, if it's creating tension or distance in your relationship, if you've tried to "fix it" on your own without much change, or if you simply want to understand yourself better. You don't need a diagnosis, and you don't need to be in a relationship. Many people come to sex therapy on their own.
Sex therapy for low desire at Allura
Allura Sex Therapy Centre is a group practice dedicated to sex, intimacy, and relationships. We see clients in person at our downtown Vancouver office and online anywhere in Canada, so whether you're in Vancouver, Calgary, Winnipeg, St. John’s, or a small town hours from the nearest sex therapist, you can work with a specialist from home. Our team works with individuals and couples of all genders, orientations, and relationship structures.
Sex therapy is talk therapy. There is no nudity, touching, or sexual activity in session, ever. Your therapist will help you understand what's influencing your desire, from stress and relationship patterns to past experiences and beliefs about sex, and work with you on practical steps you can take at your own pace. When it's helpful, we also coordinate with physicians, pelvic floor physiotherapists, and other providers, including those in your own community.
Why online sex therapy works well: Many people find it easier to talk about sex from the comfort and privacy of their own home. Online sessions also mean you don't have to settle for whoever is closest; you can choose a therapist with specialized training in sex therapy, which can be hard to find in many parts of Canada.
Getting started is simple: Either choose the counsellor you feel like is the best fit for you from our Meet our Counsellors page and connect with them directly, or let our Clinic Manager help support you in matching you based on your presenting concern, style, and availability. Allura brings together excellent sex therapists under one clinic – they all manage their practices independently but we’re all committed to being specialists in sex therapy.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal to lose interest in sex?
Yes. Desire naturally changes over time, and periods of low desire are very common, especially during stress, after having a baby, during menopause, or in long-term relationships.
Can low libido be fixed?
In many cases, yes. Because low desire usually has several contributing causes, addressing those causes, whether physical, emotional, or relational, often allows desire to return.
Can antidepressants cause low desire?
Yes. Some medications, particularly SSRIs, are known to lower desire. Don't stop or change any medication without talking to your prescriber first, but it's worth raising with them.
Do I need to be in a relationship to see a sex therapist for low desire?
No. Many people see a sex therapist individually, whether they're single, partnered, or somewhere in between.
Should I bring my partner to sex therapy?
It depends. Low desire can be explored individually, in couples sessions, or a combination of both. Your therapist can help you decide what makes sense.
What's the difference between low desire and asexuality?
Asexuality is a sexual orientation, not a problem to be treated. Low desire usually describes a change from how you used to feel or a gap between the desire you have and the desire you want.
Can I see a sex therapist online anywhere in Canada?
Yes. Allura offers online sex therapy to clients across Canada, as well as in-person sessions at our downtown Vancouver office. When you reach out, let us know which province you're in so we can match you with a counsellor who can see clients there. We are unable to see clients who reside in Quebec, Nova Scotia, or New Brunswick.
Is sex therapy covered by extended health benefits in BC?
Many extended health plans across Canada cover sessions with Registered Clinical Counsellors or Registered (Clinical) Social Workers, though coverage depends on your plan and sometimes your province. It's worth checking with your provider before your first session.
What if there's no sex therapist near me?
That's very common, especially outside major cities. Online sessions let you work with a specialized sex therapist no matter where you live in Canada.
If you've been wondering what happened to your desire, we hope this helps you see it with a little more understanding and a little less blame. When you're ready to talk it through, our team is here. Check out our counsellors who are currently accepting clients here: https://www.alluracentre.com/meet-our-counsellors#our-team